Finally Figured It Out

Disclaimer - This is all based on my personal experience and is not in any way meant to be an insult on anyone's weight. This is how I feel about my body and who I am.


When I graduated from high school, I weighed between 90-95 pounds and was 5'6. I was skinny. Like stand up and get dizzy, everything going black for a second dizzy. It was wrong. 

I did gain some weight as I went into my 20's, but just enough to be healthy. Nothing crazy. Then I went on the depo provera shot and shot up to 150-160. This was jarring and I felt heavy, but I also felt depressed from the shot and some life stuff.

I got off the shot, and lost a little bit of weight, fixed my life stuff (not in that order necessarily). Then I got into my late 20's and had my first daughter. Oh my sweet angel, when I gave birth to her I had gone up to 190's. Afterwards I waffled back down to 160s and 170s. Then 4 years later, I had my second daughter and went to 207 at the time of her birth, and afterward went down to the 190s.. And stayed there.

Since then, I am literally not happy looking in the mirror because it didn't look like me. But who did I look like? And why did it bother me? I was a strong woman, I carried heavy stuff, went up stairs without too much of a huff. Was this fluffy person who I wanted to be? Why couldn't I be happy with my reflection? I hate sweating. I hate exercise (obviously). And I loved sugar haha.

Today I had a doctors appt for migraines, I had a whopper of one last week, and I weighed in at 199 pounds. 

So I had gained 109 pounds in the past 20 years. 

I don't want to be that too skinny girl again. But I don't want the rolls my stomach is turning into. 

Ever since Morrigan (hard and fast) and Lugh (gently but firmly) have been walking into my life, I have felt the call to be a warrior. Take that kickboxing class. Get a standing punching bag for the garage and go Buffy on it. I wanted to embody more strength as well as the softer sides to myself. 

 I am a mother. I have loved being a comfortable person for my daughters to cuddle with, but I also don't feel that I am giving a good example when my soul and gods are challenging me to step it up and let the warrior shine through. 

This won't be easy.

With having no thyroid, due to thyroid cancer, I tend towards fits of fatigue when I try to exercise. For example, I decided one day to go on a bike ride and got two blocks away before I had to get off the bike, turn around and walk it back, barely able to move for a few hours afterward. I can hoof it up three flights of stairs, so its not being out of shape, and it scared me.

But its time to push through.

Drop the soda.
Drop the chocolate except for treats.
Add a salad a day.
Start a walking group three to four days a week.
Go hiking when weather permits, love nature.
Do a few sit-ups, push-ups when I get up in the morning to give me some natural energy.

I can do this.

Lugh has told me I can do this.

Morrigan has told me to move my ass.

And they are right.

When it comes to being the Mother portion of the Maiden, Mother, Crone cycle, I have embraced it. The softness and the strength. But I don't want to look as soft anymore. I want to be more fit. More capable. More natural when it comes to my energy (less sugar, more endorphins). 

This is not an attack on anyone else's weight. This is a revelation that I have been coming too slowly. This isn't a diet I am starting, it is a folding into a way of life that I have been yearning for but afraid to start. For me. For who I am. I need to do this.

As I will it, so mote it be.

Talia Ravenspath