My Depression

Disclaimer: This is not an attack on people who take anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds, this is my story only.

For the longest time, I couldn't figure out why 9 years old was the year specifically for me for when depression hit me and I wanted to die. For when I started to bleed pain and literally felt like I had nowhere safe to go.

But as I have become an adult and a mother to two daughters, I realize that at 3, my mother and father divorced, and at 9, my older sister decided to start being physically abusive towards me. The bottom kept dropping out for me and suddenly, I had nowhere safe to go.

My grandparents lived in town, but as close as I seemed with my grandmother, it was at arms length. I knew that my job was to not mess up the one place I could go that my sister couldn't attack me at. So as my grandmother taught me how to play the piano by writing the notes in her hymnal, I made sure the quiet pedal was always pushed down so I wouldn't bother her or my grandfather when I practiced. 

At an early age, I learned that I wasn't safe around other people who were supposed to love me unconditionally. 

At an early age, I learned to be quiet and listen more than be heard.

At an early age, I learned that I could only rely on myself.

No wonder I have actually ran from healthy relationships (bolted as fast as I could) and felt like pain was leaking out of my wrists like they were sliced up. 

As a mother, my goal was to make sure that I was loving them unconditionally, and not letting my oldest daughter be physically abusive towards her little sister (boy did her attitude appear when she turned 10-11 though, she is mean sometimes without thought, just reaction). 

I have realized that because I don't trust people, I love to be alone. 

My depression isn't like a cloud over me, it's like a cloud around me that is most often thinner, but sometimes thickens and darkens. Especially in the week before my period. But if I make sure that my sense of self is not clinging to that blanket of darkness, I can sink below it and literally find myself.

This is where Buddhism has helped me more than Wicca, or Witchcraft. Buddhism helped me find my center and helped me to ground, which opened me up to more witchcraft in the end. Being mindful of each step, of trying to release any unhealthy attachments (and the guilt that comes with that). 

If you suffer from depression, don't avoid the original reasons. Seek therapy, turn it around in your head. If the origin occurred when you were a child, be angry, be strong in that anger that something happened to you that should not happen to a child. 

But most of all, be kind and loving to yourself. Hug the echo of that child that still exists and cries inside you. Hug that child and hug yourself. Because until we learn to kindly love ourselves, this world will not improve.

So mote it be.

Finally Figured It Out

Disclaimer - This is all based on my personal experience and is not in any way meant to be an insult on anyone's weight. This is how I feel about my body and who I am.


When I graduated from high school, I weighed between 90-95 pounds and was 5'6. I was skinny. Like stand up and get dizzy, everything going black for a second dizzy. It was wrong. 

I did gain some weight as I went into my 20's, but just enough to be healthy. Nothing crazy. Then I went on the depo provera shot and shot up to 150-160. This was jarring and I felt heavy, but I also felt depressed from the shot and some life stuff.

I got off the shot, and lost a little bit of weight, fixed my life stuff (not in that order necessarily). Then I got into my late 20's and had my first daughter. Oh my sweet angel, when I gave birth to her I had gone up to 190's. Afterwards I waffled back down to 160s and 170s. Then 4 years later, I had my second daughter and went to 207 at the time of her birth, and afterward went down to the 190s.. And stayed there.

Since then, I am literally not happy looking in the mirror because it didn't look like me. But who did I look like? And why did it bother me? I was a strong woman, I carried heavy stuff, went up stairs without too much of a huff. Was this fluffy person who I wanted to be? Why couldn't I be happy with my reflection? I hate sweating. I hate exercise (obviously). And I loved sugar haha.

Today I had a doctors appt for migraines, I had a whopper of one last week, and I weighed in at 199 pounds. 

So I had gained 109 pounds in the past 20 years. 

I don't want to be that too skinny girl again. But I don't want the rolls my stomach is turning into. 

Ever since Morrigan (hard and fast) and Lugh (gently but firmly) have been walking into my life, I have felt the call to be a warrior. Take that kickboxing class. Get a standing punching bag for the garage and go Buffy on it. I wanted to embody more strength as well as the softer sides to myself. 

 I am a mother. I have loved being a comfortable person for my daughters to cuddle with, but I also don't feel that I am giving a good example when my soul and gods are challenging me to step it up and let the warrior shine through. 

This won't be easy.

With having no thyroid, due to thyroid cancer, I tend towards fits of fatigue when I try to exercise. For example, I decided one day to go on a bike ride and got two blocks away before I had to get off the bike, turn around and walk it back, barely able to move for a few hours afterward. I can hoof it up three flights of stairs, so its not being out of shape, and it scared me.

But its time to push through.

Drop the soda.
Drop the chocolate except for treats.
Add a salad a day.
Start a walking group three to four days a week.
Go hiking when weather permits, love nature.
Do a few sit-ups, push-ups when I get up in the morning to give me some natural energy.

I can do this.

Lugh has told me I can do this.

Morrigan has told me to move my ass.

And they are right.

When it comes to being the Mother portion of the Maiden, Mother, Crone cycle, I have embraced it. The softness and the strength. But I don't want to look as soft anymore. I want to be more fit. More capable. More natural when it comes to my energy (less sugar, more endorphins). 

This is not an attack on anyone else's weight. This is a revelation that I have been coming too slowly. This isn't a diet I am starting, it is a folding into a way of life that I have been yearning for but afraid to start. For me. For who I am. I need to do this.

As I will it, so mote it be.

Talia Ravenspath

Who Do You Turn Too? And Why?

Life is so strange.

There are up's and there are downs.

There are times when we want to be with people and not be alone.

And there are times when we just want everyone to go away so we can hear ourselves just THINK.

Everyone has issues, everyone has problems. But what can we do to get through ours? It depends on the problem. 

Morrigan:
For some relationship problems, Morrigan has actually been by my side to give me strength and a little bit of snarkiness with backbone. It helped.

She can also help you open up your sexual side more, to be more daring and open to exploring your sexuality.

Morrigan is a goddess of strength and daring. She challenges you and others around you to be better.

Brigid:
Creative and warm, she will heal you if you let her. Brigid will drown you in a soft light that lets your inner child heal and transform to a more whole person.

Danu:
The mother goddess, another healing goddess that will unconditionally accept and love you, no matter what. Good to call on when your kids get to be that age (you know the age haha).

Lugh:
Creativity, warrior, laughter, sunshine. This god is great at a party, great to call upon when you need a sense of warrior that is less aggressive and angry that Morrigan can be, though they can come hand in hand. Also a great god to call on when you want inspiration for creation, break through that writers block with Lugh at your shoulder!

Just a few tips from my favorite gods that are whispering to me. 

Who are the gods you turn too? Why do you turn to them? What personality traits do you appreciate from them and why? What do you need right now?

Breath and be well!

So mote it be.

Tali Ravenspath

The Dark

Be not afraid
The dark surrounds you
Be not afraid
As it hides you from sight
Be not afraid
The dark is within you
Be not afraid
The dark simply holds you.




Talia Ravenspath

The Comfort of Rocks and the Ocean

My family and I went out to Salem, Massachusetts last month, and to be honest, I just wanted to be at the ocean side.

So that is what we did (and everything else was overpriced anyway).

While at the ocean my children and I looked specifically for quartz, of which I found many, but we also found this fascinating rock, which I cannot seem to get enough off. The light and dark of it is fascinating to me.

Life is so hard, and as the Buddhists will say, we cause most of our suffering from clinging to our attachments and our own suffering. We don't surrender through the suffering, we hold it close to us like a tattered blanket and let it define us. As someone who has suffered from chronic depression since she was 8 years old, I can honestly say that rocks are comforting.

Life is about change, and you would think that rocks, to me, would be about how they are something that doesn't change. But they do change! They wear down, you can smash them, you can grind them up. Nature will do all of these things naturally. The stone above is smooth, but from water. It didn't come off it's original place of rest smooth like this! Rather, the ocean tumbled it along, easing the sharp edges and wearing it down until it came to rest on a little beach in Salem, Massachusetts that was covered in stones and pebbles.

Why does it give me comfort?

Because of the idea of rolling rocks. Of our souls being a rock that is tumbled through life, yet we still keep the colors we had at the beginning of our life. Our shape changes, and perhaps we lose some of ourselves, but we gain a new understanding of where we are strong inside and where we are weak.

Life is like the ocean, rising and falling with waves and currents. Sometimes at ease and gentle, sometimes with storms that rise out of almost nowhere. Sometimes we see the storms coming and we just cannot swim fast enough to get out of the way. Sometimes we are able to dive down below the waves and hold on fast until it passes. 

Rocks, trees, the earth itself and the ocean. These are things we can touch and feel. The rocks and trees are decades to thousands of years old (if not older depending on the object). This is an amazing thing to realize and meditate on. 

Think about the problems that you had last year, or even ten years ago. Have they resolved? I bet many of them have. Some of them are even funny now.

Our spirits are old, as old as the stars. Our bodies share star dust. This life is fleeting and rocks, the earth, the ocean and trees tell us to slow down, feel the rhythm of the earth. Feel the waves and listen to them crash on the beach over and over again. Watch the trees sway in the breeze and sway with them. Live in the moment, because the past is gone and future is not in our control. Live in the moment. Feel that moment, let the past go and the future go and surrender to that moment. What you feel isn't depression or anxiety when you do, but peace. Not happiness or joy, but a sense of being and belonging. 

It's really quite amazing.

So mote it be.