Birthday Post (TW mental health)

Today is my birthday.

I turn 38 years old. 

Nothing about aging really bothers me all that much. I don't mind the gads of gray hair I have, and love dyeing it blue for fun. 

But each birthday, except for last years, I feel horribly depressed, tearful and weighed down. 

So I'm trying to figure out why.
I have a good, reliable, job. 
My husband is a good guy and things are ok there.
My daughters are awesome (well, one is, the other is starting to become an evil preteen).

Sure, I live paycheck to paycheck, but, this is something that has been there each birthday for as long as I can remember... Except for last year. Last year I spent the weekend, and my birthday, at the beach. For hours. It was everything you could imagine it could be.

But today I'm at work, trying to not cry. 

People on Facebook are sending me happy birthday messages, and yet nothing helps. I just want to crawl in a whole, pull a blanket over the top of it, and cry until its over.

Why?

There are a lot of possible reasons.
Shitty childhood.
Genetics.

You know what? Next year I am going back to the beach, alone. I love my family, but I need that day to be away from people who rely on me and have a one day a year where I do something just for me. Every year. Just one day. Because I felt peaceful last year. I felt happy. I felt content.

Goddess, Danu, mother of all.
I call to thee to help me get through this day.
So often, I am a mother to all
It wears on me and empties my cup.
So please give me this day.
Give me this day to feel the caring sent my way.
Give me this day to realize that feeling.
Help me, Goddess.
Danu, help me.

As I will it, so mote it be.

I'm off to do some self-Reiki healing. :)

Be Well!
Talia Ravenspath